Peshwari Naan

Nick R Thomas writes on 14th August 2008...

I had an afternoon talk for Andover University of the Third Age on 15 July and I travelled by coach from Bournemouth to Basingstoke and then by train to Andover itself.

Now...regular readers will know that as I use public transport to get to my engagements, I often report on the quality of the announcements on the train or coach. I can only say that the pre-journey presentation by our National Express driver at Bournemouth was, as Americans like to say, a doozie!

Instead of delivering his spiel about compulsory seatbelt wearing, etc, over a tannoy from his seat as he was setting off, this driver stood and faced down the aisle. From his air of authority, I would guess that he is either ex-military or a former police officer (although his lack of height probably rules the last one out). He rolled out the usual content about seatbelts and not putting litter down the loo and said that there were rubbish bags provided. Then it all got really interesting:

"Right, mobile phones: I don't like 'em. If I had my way, they'd be put in the bag with the rubbish. I don't want to hear people using them. The same goes for music. If it's just about loud enough for you to hear through headphones, then it's just about OK. But if your neighbour can hear it then don't be surprised if I ask you to turn it off. I'm sure you'll appreciate that I have lives to consider and I don't want any distractions".

Then, after a short pause, he almost smiled and added:

"Right, let's get out of here, shall we?"

(I was surprised he didn't emulate Station Sergeant Phil Esterhaus from Hill Street Blues and say "Hey, let's be careful out there!")

But it made a change. I didn't have any calls to make and I am quite capable of enjoying a journey without any musical accompaniment so none of this bothered me at all although I can see that some would consider his rules just a wee bit extreme. Actually, I didn't hear anyone else complaining, either. Come to think of it, I didn't hear much conversation at all - perhaps everyone was too frightened to speak. I was changing coaches at Southampton but I wondered if this peaceful atmosphere would continue for several hundred miles to the north where the coach was headed! I was only sorry that I had to change at Southampton.

After about an hour's wait at Southampton, the coach to Basingstoke appeared to be something sub-contracted from another company: old, no toilet, no air conditioning on a fiendishly hot day, what appeared to be chewing gum on the seat - lovely...

...Alan ran me back to the station and the two coaches - and their drivers for the return journey seemed fairly normal. My only disappointment was with the Southampton to Bournemouth leg. The coach was supposed to go through the New Forest, which would have been glorious on such a lovely evening, but as every one of the few passengers on board was heading for Bournemouth, the driver got permission to go straight down the motorway instead (so if you were waiting for a coach that never turned up in Lyndhurst that night - that's why!)